Confession Time

It started as a nice enough Monday.  Jackson got ready for school on time with no arguing.  Selah wasn't particularly fussy.  She even took a 2 hour nap (Yes! The nap experiment is starting to produce favorable results!) during which I excercised.  The only negative thing I had to report to Jason when he got home was that Selah had worn me out today - physically.  She was a little acrobatic monkey.  I couldn't count the number of times I swung her, flew her, caught her (she loves jumping from the ottoman into my arms), lifted her, and flipped her today.  But there was still a major obstactle ahead:  leadership prayer time.  Jason had decided that once a month the pastors and worship leaders will have a one-hour group prayer time.  I had just decided that I wouldn't be able to participate since I wouldn't have anyone to keep the kids.  But Jason insisted all day that it was really important for me to be there and to try to get a babysitter.  Well, of course, everyone I tried was unavailable (and with really legitimate things...one of my neighbors said she would LOVE to help me out, but she had an emergency appendectomy Friday....understandable), and I wasn't going to call someone to drive across town just to watch them for an hour.  So, I ended up taking them with me.  And believe me, I walked into that place feeling very defensive and frustrated just in anticipation of how "well" this was going to go.

Living up to my expectations, you can imagine how peaceful our prayer time was.  Funny, looking back, the other people there probably weren't nearly as bothered by their noise as I was, but mothers are really sensitive to how their kids' behavior is affecting other people.  Remember, I went in defensive and frustrated.  Anyway, prayer time over, we went home for baths and bed.  Jason had to stay for another meeting, so I was on my own.  At this point, I will confess that nighttime is my most vulerable time to losing my temper. I am tired and easily irritated, just anxious to get them in bed.  Also, Jackson gets sillier and sillier as bedtime approaches.  Quite an explosive combo.  So, after bath tonight, Jackson asked me, "Mommy, will you pretend to be Millie from Team Ummi Zummi?"  I had just about had enough for one day, but really trying to not let my feelings affect my time with him I said, "OK, Jackson, I'll pretend with you once, but I'm really tired, so after this, no more games.  It's time for bed."  (Here it is...on the record...he was warned)  Pretend time over, I was leaning over to pick up a stray sock off the floor and Jackson shot me in the back at point blank range with a suction cup dart gun.  It stung, and my switch flipped.  I spun around and took the gun, but when he let go the gun hit me in my brow bone.  Ouch!  A big knot started coming up as I said through clenched teeth in that low scary mom voice, "You guys are brushing your teeth and going to bed now."  I turned around and started walking towards the bathroom.  Jackson, very puzzled, asked "Mommy, why are you angry?"  I burst into tears, "Because, Jackson, I have had enough!  I am tired, and I'm ready for you guys to be in bed!  (maybe said some other stuff here...can't remember...it's all a blur)  Now let's go brush your teeth!"  Being my sensitive guy, he started crying.  "I just can't stop crying," he says.  I blew it.  I was minutes away from having them in bed with my composure still in tact, and I just couldn't keep it together.  God, are you sure you knew what you were doing when you allowed me the privilege of motherhood...twice?  I don't think you gave me the right temperament for this job!  And I feel like I'm to blame.  I'm the one who begged to quit my job and stay home with my kids because I felt like it was what God wanted me to do for our family.  Did I really make the right choice, or would I be a better mother if I was away from them during the day?  After I stopped crying I gave him a big hug and explained that his dart stung me - and I was not in the mood to play - and then the gun hit my eye - and that was not his fault - and that I was angry mostly because I was hurt and tired - and I loved him very much - and I was not mad at him - and I was very sorry.  The apology made it better, but I can never take that moment back.  My sensitive little boy who hates disappointing his mommy was crushed, and he wasn't even sure what he did wrong.  I want my kids to have self-control and all the other fruit of the Spirit, but I don't even have it myself.  This is an area I constantly struggle with.

Good thing tomorrow I get another chance.  "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:21-23