Bake Sale

A friend of mine said that he thought that blogs were just a way to say "look how clever I am."  I thought about that, and I guess they could seem that way.  This particular post might.  But really, for me, and so many others, it serves as a way to document my life, my thoughts, and my family.  There are so many moments that I don't want to forget, so I do my best to preserve some of them here. 

A few weeks ago, (actually it was the same night as the Nerf gun incident...parenting low point) I sat down and wrote out some things that I would like to be more intentional about teaching Jackson.  One of those things was service.  I started thinking about ways to teach service to a 5-year-old.  I wanted him to have a service project where he could actually do the work and have concrete results.  So, I decided on a bake sale.  That way, he could participate in the service by helping with posters and baking and actually sitting at the table selling our goods. 

Jackson and I had talked about the recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, so we decided to give all of our earnings to the American Red Cross for earthquake relief.

We posted signs in our neighborhood the afternoon before our sale.  Then, we went to the grocery store and bought all of our ingredients.  Jackson helped me make a couple of batches of brownies before bedtime.  After he went to bed and while he was at school the next day, I did the rest of the baking.  Finally, we set up a table in our front yard and eagerly awaited our customers.  Jackson did great for the first half-hour, but the sunny outside playtime was too much to resist...especially since our stream of customers was less than steady.  Over the course of two hours we had a grand total of 7 generous customers and made $80!

Yesterday we took the money to our local Red Cross.  Jackson was so proud, and so was I.  It was great to physically hand the money to the organization who is doing so much good for so many people.  They thanked Jackson, wrote him a receipt, and even took his picture.  I think it was a very successful lesson in service and charity. 

A Very Merry Un-Birthday to Me!

I love my kids!  They are so sweet! 

Last week I went to band practice.  When I came home Jackson had my bedroom door closed and made me go to his bedroom, the farthest place in our house from my bedroom, until he said to come out.  When I got there he yelled, "OK, YOU CAN COME INTO YOUR BEDROOM NOW!"  When I opened the door, he yelled "SURPRISE!!!!"  He had worked diligently the whole time I was gone drawing all kinds of pictures for me.  Then he taped them all over my room: on the walls, the desk, the bathroom door, everywhere!  It was a surprise party for me, he said.  He was so proud.  And I thought it was so special.  This is pretty typical for Jackson.  Such a sweet kid, always trying to surprise me with things that he thinks will make me happy, usually cooperative and helpful, and a rock star of a big brother!!!

Selah, at this point, seems to have a different personality than Jackson.  Recently Jason and I were out to dinner with some friends, and after describing our kids' personalities to them, they said, "So you have one Golden Retriever and one cat."  I can't think of a better way to describe them right now!  Selah is very sweet and loving, but on her terms.  She's not one to give out affection on demand.  That's why this morning was so special.  She had been playing in one of the kitchen cabinets when I stepped into the next room to talk to Jason before he left for work.  She came to me, grabbed my hand, and said, "'Mone, Mommy. da-day."  I understood the "come on, mommy" part, but had no clue about "da-day".  She led me into the kitchen where I saw a cluster of bottles on the floor: salad dressing, vinegar, honey, etc.  Then she suddenly burst into song, "Ha da-day you you" (happy birthday to you).  It was adorable!  She sang happy birthday to me (3 months early) and had me blow out the candles (the bottles).  What a way to start your day!  Like I said, I love my kids!

Spring Cleaning

This weekend Jason and I decided to do some spring cleaning.  We've lived in this house for over 5 years and have never done this kind of major cleaning before.  It was long overdue.  Plus, we are considering putting our house on the market (won't go into all the details of that now), so we want things to look new again.  We had some good Saturday morning snuggling time with the kids in PJs and a plateful of pancakes, and by mid-morning the kids were off to grandma and grandaddy's for the rest of the day.  I put on some good music, opened the windows and started washing kitchen cabinets, baseboards, and windows (inside and out), dusting blinds, and cleaning the back porch.  The house was so still without Jackson and Selah around!  It was definitely a shock to my system.  At first, I didn't like it and decided that I had made a mistake missing a day with my kids just to clean.  But having time to think and pray, God really taught me some things.

Spring Cleaning Lesson #1:  It is always easier to see the dirt on the opposite side of the window. 
Have you ever noticed that when you're washing a window you can easily see the spots and dirt on the other side?  So, you think you have the side you're working on perfectly clean and all the rest of the grime is on the other side.  Then you go to wash the other side and suddenly you realize you didn't do such a great job on the first side.  Why is the dirt so hard to see on "your" side but so easy to see on the "other" side?  I think this holds a lot of truth in life.  It is always so easy to see faults in other people, but so hard for us to see our own flaws.  We feel like we have our side pretty clean when in reality, the fingerprints and fly specks are still there.  Jesus tried to tell us about this one when he said "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in the your borther's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:3-5, NIV)

Right then, I began to ask God to forgive me for judging others.  I thanked him for giving me good friends on the other side of the window that help me see the specs of dirt on my side.  I asked him to help me see, too, the areas in my life that didn't please him.

Spring Cleaning Lesson #2:  If you look closely, things aren't as clean as you thought they were.
I like a clean house.  Before Jackson was born, my house was almost always clean.  I have certainly let go of the ideal of having a continually spotless home since becoming a mother, but I still pride myself in keeping my house relatively clean.  Wait, did I just say the "p" word?  Yeah, that's right.  You know what pride comes before?  Also, exactly what does "relatively clean" mean?  It means that I'm comparing the cleanliness of my home to the homes of others.  So, the standard I set for my home is not based on an unchanging absolute but based on how I stack up to other people.  As long as I keep my house as clean as my peers' homes, then I'm okay.  You see where I'm going with this?

As I was cleaning, I was shocked to find that my house was NOT as clean as I thought it was.  When I looked closely and examined the often overlooked or hidden parts, I discovered some embarrasingly fithly stuff!  Wow, how ignorant I was!  How silly I was to be so prideful in something that was so dirty!  The Holy Spirit began to speak to me about my life.  "Kelley, do you take pride in what a good person you are?  Are you comparing yourself to others so that you can feel good about your level of 'goodness'?"  Ouch....maybe.  "Don't you know that's not the point?  Don't you know that God's standard for righteousness is absolute and he doesn't "grade on a curve"?  (Lots of problems with that metaphor there, cause I know God doesn't really "grade" us...try to hear me out here)  In fact, no one can live up to God's standard of righteousness.  Without God's mercy and grace through Jesus, we would all be a lost cause.  I confessed my pride and asked God again to constantly whisper to my soul how I can please him in my actions, my thoughts, my giving, and my loving.  It turns out, I needed some spring cleaning on the inside, too.

This song came to mind:  Welcome Home by Shaun Groves

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked

Little Budding Artist

As I was scrubbing marker off multiple household surfaces for the third time this week (well, actually Jason cleaned up the first two times), it occurred to me that perhaps the real reason Jackson never took to using our walls as his canvases had less to do with him being the perfect child and more to do with the fact that he didn't have an older sibling to leave markers laying around within reach.  A toast: to having a motivation to start spring cleaning!  *clink*

Confession Time

It started as a nice enough Monday.  Jackson got ready for school on time with no arguing.  Selah wasn't particularly fussy.  She even took a 2 hour nap (Yes! The nap experiment is starting to produce favorable results!) during which I excercised.  The only negative thing I had to report to Jason when he got home was that Selah had worn me out today - physically.  She was a little acrobatic monkey.  I couldn't count the number of times I swung her, flew her, caught her (she loves jumping from the ottoman into my arms), lifted her, and flipped her today.  But there was still a major obstactle ahead:  leadership prayer time.  Jason had decided that once a month the pastors and worship leaders will have a one-hour group prayer time.  I had just decided that I wouldn't be able to participate since I wouldn't have anyone to keep the kids.  But Jason insisted all day that it was really important for me to be there and to try to get a babysitter.  Well, of course, everyone I tried was unavailable (and with really legitimate things...one of my neighbors said she would LOVE to help me out, but she had an emergency appendectomy Friday....understandable), and I wasn't going to call someone to drive across town just to watch them for an hour.  So, I ended up taking them with me.  And believe me, I walked into that place feeling very defensive and frustrated just in anticipation of how "well" this was going to go.

Living up to my expectations, you can imagine how peaceful our prayer time was.  Funny, looking back, the other people there probably weren't nearly as bothered by their noise as I was, but mothers are really sensitive to how their kids' behavior is affecting other people.  Remember, I went in defensive and frustrated.  Anyway, prayer time over, we went home for baths and bed.  Jason had to stay for another meeting, so I was on my own.  At this point, I will confess that nighttime is my most vulerable time to losing my temper. I am tired and easily irritated, just anxious to get them in bed.  Also, Jackson gets sillier and sillier as bedtime approaches.  Quite an explosive combo.  So, after bath tonight, Jackson asked me, "Mommy, will you pretend to be Millie from Team Ummi Zummi?"  I had just about had enough for one day, but really trying to not let my feelings affect my time with him I said, "OK, Jackson, I'll pretend with you once, but I'm really tired, so after this, no more games.  It's time for bed."  (Here it is...on the record...he was warned)  Pretend time over, I was leaning over to pick up a stray sock off the floor and Jackson shot me in the back at point blank range with a suction cup dart gun.  It stung, and my switch flipped.  I spun around and took the gun, but when he let go the gun hit me in my brow bone.  Ouch!  A big knot started coming up as I said through clenched teeth in that low scary mom voice, "You guys are brushing your teeth and going to bed now."  I turned around and started walking towards the bathroom.  Jackson, very puzzled, asked "Mommy, why are you angry?"  I burst into tears, "Because, Jackson, I have had enough!  I am tired, and I'm ready for you guys to be in bed!  (maybe said some other stuff here...can't remember...it's all a blur)  Now let's go brush your teeth!"  Being my sensitive guy, he started crying.  "I just can't stop crying," he says.  I blew it.  I was minutes away from having them in bed with my composure still in tact, and I just couldn't keep it together.  God, are you sure you knew what you were doing when you allowed me the privilege of motherhood...twice?  I don't think you gave me the right temperament for this job!  And I feel like I'm to blame.  I'm the one who begged to quit my job and stay home with my kids because I felt like it was what God wanted me to do for our family.  Did I really make the right choice, or would I be a better mother if I was away from them during the day?  After I stopped crying I gave him a big hug and explained that his dart stung me - and I was not in the mood to play - and then the gun hit my eye - and that was not his fault - and that I was angry mostly because I was hurt and tired - and I loved him very much - and I was not mad at him - and I was very sorry.  The apology made it better, but I can never take that moment back.  My sensitive little boy who hates disappointing his mommy was crushed, and he wasn't even sure what he did wrong.  I want my kids to have self-control and all the other fruit of the Spirit, but I don't even have it myself.  This is an area I constantly struggle with.

Good thing tomorrow I get another chance.  "This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.  It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."  Lamentations 3:21-23